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Its that time of year to again start organizing for my time in Kenya.  The ticket has been bought and friends and relatives alerted.  And again I come up to a familar roadblock; housing.

For all the wonderful things about the city, the Nairobi housing situation really really sucks.  Its virtually impossible to find decently priced furnished apartments available for the short run.  Most things run over 100K a month for a mere one bedroom apartment!  Thats more in rent than an equivalent hotel room out here!

Its amazing to me that for how stiff the demand is, there aren’t more options for consumers.  Its such a ripe business opportunity!

Twice a year I have to pull teeth finding a convenient and safe apartment to rent for a couple of weeks.  I suppose I could stay with family but that would just drive me nuts and especially now that i’m a hormonal wreck!

What do others in the diaspora do for their trips home?

Also, any recommendations for places to stay in the Kilimani, Westlands, Lavington, Riverside areas?  I’m looking for a furnished or semi-furnished studio in a super secure compound.  And i’ve only got two weeks left before departure!  aaarrrgggg!!!!!

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Warning: Do not read this post if you are the prudish queezy type!

I have a question for all you women out there who have given birth. Its not the kind of question we ladies talk about in polite company but really, I gots to know!

So i’ve been saying I really want a c-section because i’m afraid of giving birth the ‘natural’ way. What i’m really trying to find out about ‘natural’ births is if your ‘down there’, oh heck, your vagina, ever gets tight back again or does it legea legea forever afterwards.

Just how loose do you end up? Yes yes I understand that giving birth is a natural process and your vagina was designed to do just that but c’mon. Passing a 9 pound watermelon through what is usually a tight space has got to do its damage.

I’ve heard of all sorts of vaginal rejuvenation surgeries and i’m wondering if giving birth is the reason women end up wanting/needing them. Yeah, I know, i’m slow…..

And of course that makes me think about female circumcision and kind of how there is some point to stitching things back up to make them taut again. Note. I said kind of and somehow.

Do you ladies out there have some words of wisdom? Also jamaas with wives who are mothers, notice a difference? How much did it affect your sex life?

Night before last I couldn’t sleep so I stayed up making calls to Kenya and chatting online with a friend in Sudan. It was 3am by the time I got to bed and I noticed I had started bleeding.

Mzee and I decided it was not worth going to the E.R. for but to wait to talk to the doc in the morning. Well the bleeding continues and by morning i’m completely freaked out. We had to wait until the afternoon to have an ultrasound to see what how the kid was doing and if I was starting to have another miscarriage.

I had already started preparing myself and convincing myself that I’ll be o.k. even if we lose this one.
Thankfully the ultrasound revealed a kicking healthy baby. And I literally mean kicking. S/He was jumping around in there, doing loops and just having a good time.
I”m now 9 weeks 5 days along but have a condition called Subchorionic Hematoma
The doc is not worried about it since mine is quite small but I’m to take it easier than usual and, unfortunately for mzee, join the B. train for two weeks! That will be hard! (pun intended!)

Other than that, here is a pic of peanut as S/He develops. The growth has been phenomenal. There are arms and legs and a cute round belly.
I still marvel at the technology that lets us see details this small on a munchkin that is barely 1 inch big deep inside me. Wow

And i must admit, this past scare is really helping me shift my focus from being ambivalent to kind of even excited about having a kid.

Whats wrong with me?
I”m not feeling this bright jumping for joy feeling at the prospect of being a mother and I feel guilty for not feeling it.

See, the thing is, I LOVE my life! I’m perfectly content with the way things are going. I’ve finally finished grad school, I have a job that i’m really excited about, I’m financially comfortable, and i’m married to the best hubby on earth!
Its taken me years to finally achieve this and i’m not sure that throwing a baby into the mix is not going to ruin it all.

Far from those couples that have a baby to try and fix things, I am really content and happy and i’m worried that having a baby will throw me and my life off the comfortable balance that its in right now. I know its selfish to think that way but at this point i’m still not at a place where I identify peanut as a distinct person separate from me. It still feels like this strange alien thats hitching a ride in my body.
I keep reading all this psychology stuff that says that after I feel the first kicks it will become real that there is a baby in there but for now I’m focused on wondering how much all this is going to change my life.

I must admit I also feel very isolated in not having someone I can talk to about what I’m feeling. I’m a complete extrovert in that I process my feelings on the outside. I feel like admitting to others that I feel this ambivalent is automatically going to mark me a bad mother. I mean surely, its not normal. is it? The texts say it kind of is but I haven’t heard anyone else admit that they felt this way when they first got pregnant. I mean I’m supposed to be overjoyed right? The maternal feelings should have kicked in by now and I should be glowing. I’m not. Instead I’m terrified and unsure of whether this is a good idea.
Whats wrong with me?

I’m almost embarassed to be this excited but the new iphone is almost here!!

I’m a closet techphile and I’ve been waiting for months now to purchase the iphone. I knew the 3G version was on its way so i’ve been biding my time. I stop at the apple store every once in a while to carress one of the old ones knowing that I’m waiting for the perfect moment to cheat on it with the younger version. I even took on an extra teaching assignment to save $ for it since I anticipated it would be more expensive than the current one. Only for Steve to make my day by dropping the price! Woohooo!!

And now that moment is here. July 11th. Unfortunately I’ll be in Kenya then so i’ll have to wait until September to purchase it. Still, I’ve waited for many many months now, September’s not that far away!

By then there should be tons of reviews of it available. But then I wonder if I’ll read the reviews and be tempted to wait for version 3.0 and even more improvements…. Thats the trouble with getting greedy.

lust. pure lust

Haki Kenyans hatuna adabu.

You would think from the way we are celebrating Barack Obama’s nomination that Kenya has been a kind place for the man. Now, I completely celebrate his success and am in no way Obama-hating. My point is about Kenyans and our lack of hindsight.

It seems to me no Kenyan is remembering how horribly his alcoholic and abusive father treated his mother and that the man actually left his mother to raise a young child by herself.

How many other Kenyan men have done the same? There is nothing to be celebrated in this behavior!

No, we’re happy to forget all that and claim the man without as much as an apology for how badly he had to suffer as a result of Kenyans’ understanding of masculinity.

Instead of his success causing us to ask deep questions about masculinity and fatherhood, we go ahead claiming him for ourselves and seeming to forget our unfortunate part in his difficult childhood.

Shame on us!

Watching live births on you tube is an absolutely horrible idea when you’re pregnant. I do so much better with my head in the sand! I mean I know what happens at the end but damn. OOOUUUCH!!!!!!!!

Would I be a bad mother for wanting a c-section?

Also, am I a bad mother for invading the child’s privacy so early and posting a picture of the ultrasound? oh well!

Introducing Peanut!

peanut

Little peanut (really should be tadpole) at 7 weeks 3 days and 1.16 centimeters. And yes, thats apparently a hole in the head!

where do I start?!!

On Friday of last week I finally earned that Ph.D! wooooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!

After seven years of tears, anguish, an almost nervous breakdown, hours of therapy, and a body that is broken and bruised, I emerge a much tougher woman than the girl that went into grad school. I’m working to overcome the bitterness of the abusive process I’ve just gone through in grad school by focusing on the fact that I’m done!!! Its in my past.  I feel like i’ve earned the ability and space to say to the world of academia take me as I am, or go screw yourself!! Thats freedom my friends. Thats freedom.

From now on I will remain true to myself and my ideas. I promise myself to be kind and generous to me. I finally have the freedom to hang my intellectual self worth not on what others say, but on the truth inside my heart.

I’M FREE!!!!!!!!!!

O.k. much as i’m bitching about how horrible the process has been. I must also say that I’m thankful that I did it. I”m only 30 and having these three letters after my name (Ph.D) is going to grant me audiences who would otherwise not bother to pay attention to what I have to say. Having that kind of voice is priceless and I am thankful for it. Especially being a Black woman the world is keen to dismiss you as having nothing to say.

In other happy news:

Mzee and I went to the doctor’s today for my ultrasound. THERE’S A HEARTBEAT PEOPLE!!! Let me hear an Amen!! The doctor put my chances of a miscarriage at 5% down from 50%!

It was amazing to see this little bubble inside me have blood gushing through it. To say nothing about the technology that allows us to see this small small thing so far deep in my womb and watch its even smaller heart beat.  The baby is apparently just larger than a pea right now!.  So, with the heart fluttering away, I embrace the nausea, vomiting and heartburn. It seems a small small price to pay.

Oh, and I’m typing this as I watch live Obama’s acceptance of the Democratic party nomination. What could be a better evening?

What am I whistling and singing along to? Michael Buble’s rendition of ” I’ve got the world on a string”. He’s a fantastic artist by the way. Check out ‘lost’ and ‘everything’ which are also amazing.