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where do I start?!!
On Friday of last week I finally earned that Ph.D! wooooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!
After seven years of tears, anguish, an almost nervous breakdown, hours of therapy, and a body that is broken and bruised, I emerge a much tougher woman than the girl that went into grad school. I’m working to overcome the bitterness of the abusive process I’ve just gone through in grad school by focusing on the fact that I’m done!!! Its in my past. I feel like i’ve earned the ability and space to say to the world of academia take me as I am, or go screw yourself!! Thats freedom my friends. Thats freedom.
From now on I will remain true to myself and my ideas. I promise myself to be kind and generous to me. I finally have the freedom to hang my intellectual self worth not on what others say, but on the truth inside my heart.
O.k. much as i’m bitching about how horrible the process has been. I must also say that I’m thankful that I did it. I”m only 30 and having these three letters after my name (Ph.D) is going to grant me audiences who would otherwise not bother to pay attention to what I have to say. Having that kind of voice is priceless and I am thankful for it. Especially being a Black woman the world is keen to dismiss you as having nothing to say.
In other happy news:
Mzee and I went to the doctor’s today for my ultrasound. THERE’S A HEARTBEAT PEOPLE!!! Let me hear an Amen!! The doctor put my chances of a miscarriage at 5% down from 50%!
It was amazing to see this little bubble inside me have blood gushing through it. To say nothing about the technology that allows us to see this small small thing so far deep in my womb and watch its even smaller heart beat. The baby is apparently just larger than a pea right now!. So, with the heart fluttering away, I embrace the nausea, vomiting and heartburn. It seems a small small price to pay.
Oh, and I’m typing this as I watch live Obama’s acceptance of the Democratic party nomination. What could be a better evening?
What am I whistling and singing along to? Michael Buble’s rendition of ” I’ve got the world on a string”. He’s a fantastic artist by the way. Check out ‘lost’ and ‘everything’ which are also amazing.
Whats up with the term ‘morning sickness’. Nothing about it is happening in the morning for me. Its more like all day sickness. In fact, the only time that i’m not feeling like throwing up or actually worshiping the porcelain goddess is in the morning when I first wake up.
Oh, and nobody tells you about the killer heartburn. Now heartburn sounds like a polite problem that should be easy to deal with. Not this stuff. Its constant! It feels like someone has lit a bonfire in my throat. Peanut (the euphemism that Mzee and I use for him/her) better be taking all this time to grow. Damnit! I’m going to be so pissed if all this is for nothing!
On to happier topics; In the meanwhile i’m having a good time visiting with old friends, spending alone time in my old haunts, and writing in my journal. Its been a fantastic vacation though I must admit some of the lunch meetings with (soon to be former) professors have left my stomach in knots rather than relaxed me. I still have a lot of anger about how unnecessarily hard this process has been and the major damage that the last seven years of stress has done to my body.
O.k. Back to being positive: Tomorrow is the big day. I will be a Dr. Mwananchi Mkenya at 4pm tomorrow and thats a good thing. Woohooo!!!!!
So I’m back in my old stomping grounds waiting to defend my dissertation on Friday. Its actually really nice to be back and to have the extra time to visit my old haunts. I’m realizing now that I did have a really good time here and that I loved it here. At the time I was too wrapped up in the pain of grad school to appreciate it all, but now I can.
I rank this city second to my current digs in terms of places I would live in the U.S. That of course is a difficult decision for me because New York City now drops down to a close third.
In other news, my hormone tests came back encouragingly. My HCG doubled in two days just like it was supposed to. My cramping has all but disappeared and the spotting has decreased. I have an ultrasound next week to see if there is a heartbeat as there should be in the seventh week. Thats the big thing i’m holding my breath for. My head is in the sand until then.
In the meanwhile, I’m taking time off and enjoying my solitude and re-living experiences from one of the most intense periods of my life.