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I just got back from the doctors and I’m struggling to see the good news. With the ultrasound and HGC testing it looks like my pregnancy is 5 weeks along. Which would be all good news except for that doesn’t match up to the date of my last period and hence projected ovulation date which would place the pregnancy at 7 weeks. And the continuing cramping and increasing bleeding are further indicators that something is very wrong.
With all that info the doc placed my chances of having another miscarriage at 50%.
I’m devastated, overwhelmed, sad, confused, and tired. I can’t even cry or pray.
I know that 50% means there is a chance that we’ll pull through. But I know what a miscarriage is like and I don’t want to go down that path again. I’m remembering Jesus’ prayer at Gethsemane: “My Father, please take this cup of suffering from me. Yet not my will but your will be done”.
I leave to go defend my dissertation next Friday but its so hard to concentrate!
This is actually my second pregnancy.
I had a miscarriage two years ago. Strangely enough the hardest part about that was not losing the baby, but rather the month we went through where we didn’t know if the pregnancy was viable or not. It was excruciating not knowing if we needed to change our lives around to accomodate a little one or to keep going with the plans for our lives we had already made. Not knowing whether to emotionally get attached, or stay numb and view the whole pregnancy as a medical malfunction of my reproductive organs. The pregnancy ended at barely two months.
I comforted myself about losing Ephraim (we decided it was a boy and gave him a name) with the thought that had he made it through the pregnancy he would have been deformed so it was better for nature to take care of a situation that wasn’t right. Its strange because from the very beginning the doctors could tell that something was wrong with the pregnancy so I never let myself get too attached to the pregnancy. I felt numb throughout the process because of that. Naming him brought some softness to the situation. And after the miscarriage we brought Ephraim to Kenya where he is now buried.
Even though this pregnancy feels different and there aren’t the warning signs we had with the previous one, I’m still cautious and not allowing myself to get excited quite yet. In the back of my mind is still the ‘what if’ question. Especially as I wait for bloodwork to be done on Monday and Wednesday.
In the meanwhile, Mzee and I are off on vacation to sunny San Diego!!!! I’m excited because I bought him private golf lessons on the Torrey Pines golf course where this year’s US Open is being played in just a few weeks. yep. its a smug smile of self satisfaction i’ve got on.